Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
*frowns in Scottish*
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!