him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler