midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
i now pronounce you bounced.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants