Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?