“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
You Might Also Like
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂