At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
You Might Also Like
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.