I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
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Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
<—- homeless romantic
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo