Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
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Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit