WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”