My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
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My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
So that’s what we looked like?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.