“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
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*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I’ve had relationships like this
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.