I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?