I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
You Might Also Like
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.