[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids