Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Yoga Matt
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Finally, a door that understands me
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall