@KatieDeal99

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

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@PAT_E_ROCK

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

@PhuckinCody

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

@Reverend_Scott

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

@UrsulaV

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

@MyPornKhan

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

@rickkondell

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

@o__0Dev

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

@noog

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.