Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!


[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very


BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace


People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.


Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”


Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming


Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.


If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.


Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.