McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
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Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there