Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.