“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
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My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
very niche meme I made
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?