Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.