My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
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I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats