I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.