INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
repaired
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Something Saturday.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.