Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
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Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.