*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?