life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.