Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup