“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
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My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…