Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
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I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not