[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Incredible customer service.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Pat is about to own someone
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal