Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
You Might Also Like
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.