Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
the only organized thing in my life is crime
This is sending me to another galaxy
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”