Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
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Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.