It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good