My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater