I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
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Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
ok like just. call me at this point
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.