Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
me and who
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome