Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
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Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
my mind
You just read my mind
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead