@schumoo

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

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@UnFitz

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

@better_off_dad2

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

@TravLeBlanc

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

@robotrowboat

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

@BeingDBEAST

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

@RexHuppke

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

@SteveSuckington

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

@Vathighna

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.