Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.