@UnFitz Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
@schumoo Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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@UnFitz 
@LoveNLunchmeat “Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
@joshcomers Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
@better_off_dad2 HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
@TravLeBlanc Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
@robotrowboat Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
@BeingDBEAST Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
@RexHuppke When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
@SteveSuckington Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
@Vathighna If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.