Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
You Might Also Like
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”
— how the worm got its name
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[password must be longer]
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one