me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
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*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Tuesday
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
awkward