Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
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This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.