The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.