My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.