If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
You Might Also Like
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I thought this was funny lol
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I think the cat got the dog high.
Guantanamo Bae
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”