Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
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My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
john wicks are toilet candles
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is