Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
You Might Also Like
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID