Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
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Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.