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ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef