found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.