I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
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I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy